I saw everything. The tears strolling down my mother and father’s cheeks. Tissues being offered to everyone. I saw people hugging my sisters in order to comfort them and friends consoling each other. Food and drinks were being served to everyone: kebabs, naan, chicken, biryani and badaami milk. But of course, no one was willing to eat anything. I saw some people reading the Quran. A huge array of people had come. People who were very close to me. They had all come to meet me one last time, to give their condolences to my family and loved ones.
I heard the wailing of the women: my mother, phupo, chachi’s, my grandparents, my friends. It was all so disturbing. I wanted to call out to them. To tell them that I was okay. But I could not utter a single word. My own family failed to recognize my existence. Why was this happening to me? Why was my family suffering? If only I could talk to them. If only they could see me. If only…
The house was overly crowded. Each and every sofa or bed was occupied by dozens of people. The rest were either sitting on the carpeted floor or were standing.
I could feel the pain of my family and friends. Their every single tear burned my insides. I knew whose tears were fake. Which of these people were actually going to miss me. I could not bear to see the swollen face of my mother. Tears were streaming down her face, causing her eyes to be puffy. She had huge dark circles under her eyes which showed that she had not slept last night. My mother had had such big dreams for me. But now, all those dreams about making her daughter a successful and independent person were crushed. All her hopes, vanished into thin air. Just like my life.
All the men were in a separate room along with the maulvi. I stepped inside the room. Most of them were wearing white shalwar kameeze. I spotted my father easily from the crowded room because of the navy blue kurta that he was wearing. I had gifted it to him on his birthday. Surprisingly, I could feel tears forming in my eyes. I tried to blink them away but failed to do so. And I felt a warm tear roll down my cheek. All the men were talking in the room except for my father. He was staring into empty space and his watery eyes shimmered like glass. He had not uttered a single word ever since he had received the news of my death. Even though I knew he could not see or hear me, I made my way towards him and sat on the little space on the bed, close to him. It felt good to be near him. I just wished he could feel my presence. I longed for my father to know that I would still be with him in his heart. Always. And then, without realizing, I put my hand over his and then the most amazing thing happened. I felt a shiver go through my father’s body and a sudden smile came upon his face. I was awe-struck. My father had felt my presence. He knew that I was right there with him. Tears started rolling down his face and he sniffled. For the first time today, after leaving my physical self behind, I felt happy.
Then I got up and went straight towards the door. The praying had begun. The sound of crying grew faint. Everyone chimed in the prayers along with the maulvi. They prayed about a peaceful after-life in heaven for me. To be forgiven of all the sins that I had committed intentionally or unintentionally in my previous life. They prayed that I would be happy wherever I was and that I would always remain in their hearts no matter what.
I was glad to see that a lot of unexpected people had showed up at my funeral. My old friends, new friends, everyone was there. I saw my best friend sitting in a corner all by herself. We have had a fight just two days before over such a stupid thing. We had not been talking to each other since then. I had said a lot of bad things to her. Now I wish I could take my words back. I wish I could make things up with her and ask for her forgiveness. But it was too late. Life does not give you second chances. There are a lot of things I pray I could have done before departing this world. Like telling my parents that I love them and I am thankful to them for everything that they have done for me and for all the sacrifices that they have made just to put a smile on my lips. I wanted to tell my sisters that even though I teased them and annoyed them, I still loved them. I wanted to apologize to all those people who had gotten hurt because of me. I knew that it was too late to ponder over such things. I should not let myself be haunted by the ghosts of my past. It was just a waste of time, considering the fact that I had only a few hours before I would have to leave this world for good.
I went up to my room just to have a last look at it. My mother had it painted just a few weeks back. I touched the smooth walls and trailed my fingers along it. Everything was in its place. Nothing had been removed or changed. My movie posters were still on the wall, my books still on the side table. I said goodbye to my room and realized that it was time for me to leave.
Everyone had gotten up as it was time to bid farewell. The men entered the room and started towards the still body lying in a coffin I made my way towards it and failed to recognize the person lying inside. Her skin was pale and her face looked so peaceful. Then I realized that it was me who I saw before my eyes. They carried the coffin outside. The bawling of my mother could be heard over the loud talking of the people. They took my body to the graveyard to bury it. They dug up the ground and lowered my body down inside it. As the last piece of dirt was thrown on me, I felt a strange force pulling me upwards. Realizing that it was time for me to go, I allowed my spirit to be taken over by that force, took a deep breath and closed my eyes.
Life and death. Such unexpected visitors. The smile on everyone’s face when a new being is welcomed in their family. The tears they shed when a loved one departs from this world. The hardest thing in life is to bid farewell to a special one. People think that their life would be shattered if they lose a loved one. They believe their life would be over whatsoever. But slowly and gradually, all that’s left of them are dead memories in their hearts. And then nothing. People move on. And so does life.
-Hermeen Shahid
LGS 1-A-1
Project: Ink 